girl, like I thought you were DEAD.

(evening phone conversation; the first since about....14 hours ago.)

_____: hello?

singleroom@western: OMG. whatthefuck. where have you been like i've ACTUALLY been calling you nonstop.

_____: no you haven't, I have like 2 missed calls and one of them isn't even from you.

singleroom@western: k ya whatevs but like I've been trying to get a hold of you. and like, you wouldn't even text message me to tell me you were like, alive, and shit.

_____: uummm.......sorry? I guess.

singleroom@western: ya like, I thought you were DEAD.

_____: you're an idiot. anyways, whats up?

singleroom@western: DON'T call me an idiot! Like I was worried about you, okay?!

_____: yah I get it.

singleroom@western: ....K well whatever. I was like calling to talk about shit but I guess you like, don't want to talk to me.

_____: oh please, as if you're mad at me right now............i love you...


_____:.........we can talk about boys if you want...

singleroom@western: OMG so ya there's this like holyshitsuperhottttt guy at my work.

St. Patty's day, bitches!

(Singleroom@western and _____ are at a keg party. _____ as arrived much later than Singleroom@western, and as a result, Singleroom@western is way drunker.)

Singleroom@western: Betch! Fuck yah you made itttt!!! KEGSTAND!

_____: K so slow down, I just got here....whatthefuck are you wearing?

Singleroom@western: Cute right?! Its St. Patty's Day Bittcchhhesss!'s July 13th. No its not.

Singleroom@western: K whatevs its like a theme or whatever but me and B* are the only ones who dressed up.

_____: K but really, what are you wearing? What tube top is that?

(Singleroom@western is clad in a green and white "top" and short shorts that could double as underwear.)

Singleroom@western: Um, K so like me an B* went into town today to like go shopping for the party or whatevs, and like we totes couldn't find anything ANYWHERE and so we were like driving back out here and she was like "k wait I hafta go to Dollarama to get some shit" and I was all like "Ugh fine whatevs well just stop sups quick" and then we went in there and found this and were like FUCK YAH thats what we're wearing.

_____: Yeah ok awesome but What is it????

Singleroom@western: Like a picnic tablecloth.

_____:......a plastic one?

Singleroom@western: YAH fucking GENIUS right?! Sooo good if I spill...

_____: ......How is it....staying up?

Singleroom@western: Um like duct tape and shit. OMG lets play flip cup!


(phone chat. Singleroom@western and _____ are swapping drunken stories from last night)

_____: yah I dunno, all in all it was a pretty diverse night you know? Like, birthday party for a friend and then I thought i was going home and then somehow I ended up in the gay village at a salsa club... Anyways, was your night?

singleroom@western: um. like SO buck _____. Like I got preeetttyyyy messed up at the wedding and whatever and then like, I went to my friends cottage for a bit and we were like blazing and drinking and stuff and I guess like, thats when I called you-

_____: you called me last night?

singleroom@western: Um, like yah girl, I did. HA I was so wasted tho. Ok like so YAH, I got drunk and-OMG A TURTLE!

_____: what?!

singleroom@western: Theres like, a baby turtle just like, hanging out on the dock.

_____:...incredible. Imagine, a water dwelling animal close to its own habitat..

singleroom@western: I Know RIGHT!? SO crazy....its like, SO cute b-t-dubs. (by the way).

_____: awesome.

singleroom@western: K so like, anyways, how are you giirrllll?

_____: I'm hanging up.

Is this like, too slutty?

(nana's 90th birthday party. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, reallllllllyyy old family friends; not the occasion for the LBD. Singleroom@western and _____ are getting ready.)

singleroom@western: K! I'm done. Do I look like, ok?

_____: (seeing singleroom@westerns miniscule black american apparel dress and bulging cleavage.) Umm...ya? Maybe for going to a club, but, its nana's birthday...shouldn't you cover up a bit?

singleroom@western: (flipping her hair) Ohmygod _____ I AM covered k? Plus, im wearing flats so that like totally like calms the whole outfit down a bit. Its a black dress like how much more basic can you get?

_____: well you could put your boobs away, for one. This day is about nana...not the girls.

singleroom@western: Whatever. Let's go. I'll fucking like, take a scarf or something. K? Happy?

(entering the party, seeing dad for the first time)

singleroom@western: Daddy, do you think I should like, wear a scarf, or

Dad: Scarf. And make sure it stays on.