Down the Rabbit Hole

(Late night text message exchanges.)

Singleroom@western: k so i'm reading alice in wonderland right now and like, its about drugs...right?

_____: are you high?

Singleroom@western: well like fucking YAH but i just wanted to check

_____: goodnight

Singleroom@western: no but like wait. I like couldnt go on reading the book without being high. The book made me do it.

_____: Well at least you're reading

Singleroom@western: Fucking Yah. Education first betch.

Strategic Thinking

(singleroom@western and _____ are chatting and catching up. Singleroom@western is trying to convince _____ that she CAN in fact take care of herself when inebriated.)

_____: I just don't understand how you can get SO wasted night after night. I mean its a pretty amazing ability to have I guess but....

Singleroom@western: ya I know right? I'm like, pretty unreal. OK so like for instance, one of the last nights at western I got like suuuppppss drunk and like even though I have no idea of what happened that night or like who I was with or like where I was, I was still like, Ok, you know?

_____:.....Right. So basically what you mean is you managed to make it home? At least?

Singleroom@western: Fuckin YA girl. Like I made it home, and when I woke up in the morning I was like feeling pretty shitty but I had lined up THREE garbage pails beside my bed AND I had gatorade.

_____: So skillful.

Singleroom@western: Ya. But like, I also left the door open so that I could make a mad dash to the bathroom if like, it was really bad, but whenever Im drunk I sleep naked.

_____: So....you woke up naked in your room, kinda still drunk, with your door open?

Singleroom@western: Fuckin Ya girl. Sooo messy. But like whatevs right? Like, I'm proud of me.

"Betch: A Modern Definition."

(Breakfast. Singleroom@western and _____ are drinking coffee with mom (betch) who has just discovered the blog.)

Betch: So _____ your Aunt has filled me all in on that little blog of yours. Hilarious, I may add. She read it out loud to me over margaritas last weekend...oh it was so cute: she even had little voices for the two of you.

_____: Yeah its pretty funny. I'm awesome, you know?

Singleroom@western: Uhhmmm like OKAY. First of all, its like, me who says like all the funny shit. BT-dubs.

Betch: Language! Please.

Singleroom@western: **mammoth eye-roll**

Betch: Anyways, I have a question: What do you call me again?

_____:....umm...

Singleroom@western: HA! Betch! Fuckin YA girl.

Betch: LANGUAGE. PLEASE.........But yes, that is what I am referring to. Do I even want to know what it means?

Singleroom@western: Ummm its like basically just short for like--

_____:--its a good thing. Don't worry.

Betch: Fine. Just checking. You just keep all that up then alright? Its Verrrry amusing. And you--(singleroom@western) watch your mouth.

Singleroom@western: Uggh....k like whatevs. Betch.

Betch is makin' brekky.

(phone convo. early afternoon.)

singleroom@western: (groggily) sup girl. mooorrrrrning

_____: its 2. But ya, hey girl. Whats up?

singleroom@western: oohhhmygoddd so hungover like I got sups buck last night and like I DON"T even know what happened.

_____: you remember nothing?

singleroom@western: well no like of course I remember like, some shit and whatevs. Like I tots hooked up with that guy and like probs did a few rounds of flip cup and stuff-oh wait hold on mom's calling me

**ya?....um like scrambled?.....no, peameal! K thannnkkkss betch**

singleroom@western: hey girl

_____: does mom know how hungover you are?

singleroom@western: hah ya

_____:....and she's making you breakfast?

singleroom@western: fucking YAH girl

____:.....AND you just called her 'betch'?

singleroom@western: ha ya...its like she doesn't even hear it anymore.

_____: you're unbelievable. I have to go back to work now. Have a good day

singleroom@western: K love you giiirrrrl kisssseeesssssss i'm gonna call you later and tell you EVERYTHING

_____: can't wait.

girl, like I thought you were DEAD.

(evening phone conversation; the first since about....14 hours ago.)

_____: hello?

singleroom@western: OMG. whatthefuck. where have you been like i've ACTUALLY been calling you nonstop.

_____: no you haven't, I have like 2 missed calls and one of them isn't even from you.

singleroom@western: k ya whatevs but like I've been trying to get a hold of you. and like, you wouldn't even text message me to tell me you were like, alive, and shit.

_____: uummm.......sorry? I guess.

singleroom@western: ya like, I thought you were DEAD.

_____: you're an idiot. anyways, whats up?

singleroom@western: DON'T call me an idiot! Like I was worried about you, okay?!

_____: yah I get it.

singleroom@western: ....K well whatever. I was like calling to talk about shit but I guess you like, don't want to talk to me.

_____: oh please, as if you're mad at me right now............i love you...

singleroom@western:............

_____:.........we can talk about boys if you want...

singleroom@western: OMG so ya there's this like holyshitsuperhottttt guy at my work.

St. Patty's day, bitches!

(Singleroom@western and _____ are at a keg party. _____ as arrived much later than Singleroom@western, and as a result, Singleroom@western is way drunker.)

Singleroom@western: Betch! Fuck yah you made itttt!!! KEGSTAND!

_____: K so slow down, I just got here....whatthefuck are you wearing?

Singleroom@western: Cute right?! Its St. Patty's Day Bittcchhhesss!

_____:......it's July 13th. No its not.

Singleroom@western: K whatevs its like a theme or whatever but me and B* are the only ones who dressed up.

_____: K but really, what are you wearing? What tube top is that?

(Singleroom@western is clad in a green and white "top" and short shorts that could double as underwear.)

Singleroom@western: Um, K so like me an B* went into town today to like go shopping for the party or whatevs, and like we totes couldn't find anything ANYWHERE and so we were like driving back out here and she was like "k wait I hafta go to Dollarama to get some shit" and I was all like "Ugh fine whatevs well just stop sups quick" and then we went in there and found this and were like FUCK YAH thats what we're wearing.

_____: Yeah ok awesome but What is it????

Singleroom@western: Like a picnic tablecloth.

_____:......a plastic one?

Singleroom@western: YAH fucking GENIUS right?! Sooo good if I spill...

_____: ......How is it....staying up?

Singleroom@western: Um like duct tape and shit. OMG lets play flip cup!

OMG A TURTLE!

(phone chat. Singleroom@western and _____ are swapping drunken stories from last night)

_____: ....so yah I dunno, all in all it was a pretty diverse night you know? Like, birthday party for a friend and then I thought i was going home and then somehow I ended up in the gay village at a salsa club... Anyways, whatever....how was your night?

singleroom@western: um. like SO buck _____. Like I got preeetttyyyy messed up at the wedding and whatever and then like, I went to my friends cottage for a bit and we were like blazing and drinking and stuff and I guess like, thats when I called you-

_____: you called me last night?

singleroom@western: Um, like yah girl, I did. HA I was so wasted tho. Ok like so YAH, I got drunk and-OMG A TURTLE!

_____: what?!

singleroom@western: Theres like, a baby turtle just like, hanging out on the dock.

_____:...incredible. Imagine, a water dwelling animal close to its own habitat..

singleroom@western: I Know RIGHT!? SO crazy....its like, SO cute b-t-dubs. (by the way).

_____: awesome.

singleroom@western: K so like, anyways, how are you giirrllll?

_____: I'm hanging up.