thank god for my black bikeens.

(Singleroom@western has just returned from a 3 month romp in Central America. She is tanned, toned, and standing beside the sink peeling a mango. She has about 107463957 bracelets on one arm and does not appear to be wearing pants.)


Singleroom@western: "...yeah so basically I surfed like three times a day and was living like RIGHT on the beach with this amaze girl who was like also traveling, and we went surfing like three times a day."


_____: "yeah wow that's pretty awesome. Must have been so fun. I'm jealous!"
 
Singleroom@western: " yeah tots. but I also had this like sups cray fall off my surfboard one day and think I busted a rib."


_____: "Wait what? Didn't you break a rib the LAST time you went to central america?"


Singleroom@western: "well yeah but this time it happened in like such a cooler way."


(still eating mango.)


Singleroom@western: " I was surfing this one day and like totally hit a really sweet wave and was like carving so hard and it felt AMAZING and then like all of a sudden like I don't really know what happened but my board somehow got pulled out from under me and then like jerked back towards me by my ankle strap, and then I fell, like obvs, but while I was like underwater--which felt like fucking forever b-t-dubs, (** by the way) my board like came back towards me and like jabbed me i the ribs--"

_____: "Oh my god, that sounds terrible--"

Singleroom@western: "Yah betch it sucked BUT ALSO while I was underwater this jellyfish came outta NOWHERE and stung me in the face."

_____: "Uhh..."

Singleroom@western: "I KNOW. but then like I came back up from underwater--"

_____: "--yeah that was a long time underwater--"

Singleroom@western: "--and these like 4 like sups hot surfer guys were like paddling out to me and then like one of them grabbed me and they pulled me onto one of their surfboards and like floated me into the beach, and then when they got there they like 4-man carried me to the shade of a palm tree--"

_____: "Stop it--"

Singleroom@western: "--and i was wearing like my black bikeens-like its soooo cute I think I got it at forever 21 or some shit but basically like even though I was hurt i looked amazing and was basically like a beach queen being carried on a surfboard."

_____:"Yeah. Thank god for surfers right?"


Singleroom@western: "yeah like no doubt but like also....thank god my black bikeens. AmIright?"

Ambitions, obvi.

(Chat in the car coming back from another city)

Singleroom@western: ugh like maybs I should go into fashion or something

_____: Yeah that could definitely work for you. Do you want to?

Singleroom@western: .....Ya...like, I guess that would prets effin sweet. Like, I'm realllyyyy good at it so...

_____: Yeah. Well, yeah..... Yeah.

Singleroom@western: Its just that like.....ugh...I dont know

_____: ?? What...is there something else you'd rather do?

Singleroom@western: No its just that....omg this so fuckin stupid but like, I still like really, reallllyyyy want to be famous.

_____: ......................oh yeah?

Singleroom@western: Ya. Like what do you think?

_____: About what? You being famous?

Singleroom@western: Yah like do you think I should just like make a sex tape or something?

_____:....................um..

shit gets real in the Rica when he's forty and got mad game

(phone call, _____ at work, while singleroom@western resides in her bed somewhere)

Singleroom@western: bettcchhh we gotta do something cray-cray soon.

_____: Yeah I know I know. Im just a bit busy right now you know.

Singleroom@western: noo I mean like we have to go on a trip somewhere like rilllll soon.

_____: Yeah we definitely should. I may actually go back to Costa Rica next year, if you're down....

Singleroom@western: oh emmm gizzzleee betch like do YOU remember when we went there??!?

_____: Um yeah, I do. It was only like....3 years ago?

Singleroom@western: K..so like, rellaaxxx. Like holy shaattttt do you remember when we were there for neew years and like I tots was like running thru the hotel in like my bra and shorts like SCREAMING your name?!?!

_____: Yeah. I'd actually rather not remember that night...k?

Singleroom@western: what was his name again? K whatevs we'll ca'll him green shirt for fun, k bettcchhh?

_____: k whatever what about you and that silver fox?

Singleroom@western: Oh em GEE like I'm prits sure he was like 40 or older but there was something SOO fuckin hot about him...Like am I wrong to have made out with that, or like, no?

_____: I'd actually really rather not remember that either ok. That was gross. Really gross.

Singleroom@western: Oh. KAY. I'm like priiitty really sure that there was a time when like, you were in london or some next shhiittt and you did the exact same thing with someone who was like, 37. I'm like deffff not the only make-out bandit right now, like, k?

_____: He was 30....5. And, I was 18. Ok?

Singleroom@western: Oh yah good point. I was like...what? 15?
..............................(silence)...........................ew yeah that IS narly. Ha. fuckin yah tho.

_____: Ok well this little re-hash has been a slice and a half babe but I have to run. Lets forget any of this ever happened and dream up a tropical and safe place to go soon though, ok?

Singleroom@western: hey betch member? "just for a second...just the t--"

_____: OKAY BYE

Singleroom@western: Fucking yah betch like I love you like sooooo much.

Veggie treaaaats

(phone call)

_____: Heeeyyyy girl whatcha doing?

Singleroom@western: ohh you know just got home from schoolsies and workin on my fitness. Makin some tasty treats

_____: As in dinner?

Singleroom@western: Fuckin yaahhhh girl you know ittt

_____: What are you making?

Singleroom@western: like a sups veggie meal. Makin am omelette with some veggies. May get all up in the hummus to ya know?

_____: Nice girl. Nice choices you're making.

Singleroom@western: yah like I got home and was like fuucckkk meat tonight. Right? Like, I just wanna stand by the stove, and like stir fry veggies. Fuck meant tonight. Like, not tonight okay? Not. To. Night.

_____: Preach girl

Singleroom@western: like who says you HAVE to have meat anyways? like what if i dont want it is that like, sooo bad? Fuck like i just want veggies tonight.....so fuck meat.

_____: Ya.

Singleroom@western: ( stir frying )

_____: K well....I guess I'm gonna go. You're pretty busy right now so...

Singleroom@western: Yah betch tots. these are like almost done and when theyre done im gonna eat them.

Buck, in like every way poss.

(Text exchange. Obvi.)

Singleroom@western: Hey girl, hows yyoouuu?

_____: gooooood. you?

Singleroom@western: oh like i'm good. whatcha doing tonigghhttt?

_____: not sure yet actually. you?

Singleroom@western: Um like probs going to a bar or something but like nothing sups spesh. ya know?

_____: Ya. So, you're not going to get "buck" tonight? Or maybe just medium buck...?

Singleroom@western: ya. like, buck. but like, not buck wiillllddd.

_____: Kinda like you have a picture of Buck town, but, you're not actually going there...

Singleroom@western: yah its like driving to bucktown but forgetting something and having to go back to get it. but like regardless...you're going for a ride.

_____: Yah for sure. Like, you know where Bucktown is, and you always will.

Singleroom@western: Exactly girl. And like I just dont want to wear out my welcome there and like my thighs still hurt from climbing a pole when i was there last weekend so like its prroollyyyy too soon to return.

_____: Yah I completely understand. And you know, a little distance never hurt anyone.

Singleroom@western: Ya and it makes the heart like, grow fonder.

_____: good chat girl.

Singleroom@western: fuckin yah girl. Suuppps good chat.

The Hangover

(_____ calls Singleroom@western at 3:18pm on a Thursday.)

_____: Hello?....

Singleroom@western:.....................ufhs.....

_____: What? Babe, are you there?

Singleroom@western:.........(groan)......uhhm.......(groan)....uugghh.........

_____: Are you crying again? What happened?

Singleroom@western:..............noo.......om...g...........(groan).......(heavy breathing...)........uugghhh....

_____: K I'm hanging up unless you say something. This is retarded.

Singleroom@western:........so drunk.....

_____: What? Right now?

Singleroom@western: uugghh..........no. Yesterday...ohmanimgonnathrowup.....uughhh

_____: Ooooohhhhh you're hungover! HA. Its 3:35. In the afternoon. That sucks....

Singleroom@western: .....I can't talk to you right now I'm gonna be-**dial tone**.

Omg like Thank you I guess.

(Singleroom@western, _____, and dNO (brother) have just finished unwrapping all their presents. With Dad and Betch present, Singleroom@western laments how she "almost" got everything she wanted...)

Betch: ok, well that's it kids! Merry Christmas!

_____: Thanks Mom. It was really Great. Honestly, thank you so much.

Betch: Your welcome.

Singleroom@western: Ya. Thanks. It was like, a riiiilllllyyyy good Christmas. And I like pretty much got almost everything that I wanted.

_____: Omg stop it. Just say thank you and leave it at that.

Betch: I'm sorry we didn't get you any bathing suits. But I didn't think it was appropriate and those are things you can spend your own money on.

Singleroom@western: Ya, like I KNOW that, k? Like its tots not a big deal or anything but, like I just thought that maybe I'd get like that ONE in particular you know? Like I don't want to make a big deal of it-

_____:--but you ARE making a big dea-

Singleroom@western: --Like did I ask for your opinion? No. Prets sure I didn't. K? But anyways, ya like its fine I'll just like, go on Victoria's Secret today and see if they're having any like, Boxing day sales or something.

dNo: ....you asked for bathing suits for Christmas? Seriously?

X-mas list

( 11:48 pm. _____ is in bed, reading or doing something equally low-key/boring. )

Text message exchange

Singleroom@western: I really want like leather, kinda high waisted short shorts for xmas. that would be like tots cute right?

_____: Did you seriously just text me that?

Singleroom@western: ummm obvs yah I did. K so like what do you want for christmas girl? Tell me like, everything fun that you want

_____: I haven't really thought about it actually. I'm just going to sleep too..so maybe ill think about it and let you know in the morning?

Singleroom@westernL Oohhhmygod im on the victorias secret website right now and they have like the hottest stuff eevvvaaa. do you think mom and dad would buy me bathing suits for xmas?

_____: no.

Singleroom@western: K whatevs it think they would. Im going to choose like....3.

_____: Its december. Why on earth do you need bikinis right now?

Singleroom@western: well like I sorrrttaa want to go away for reading week and i was kinda thinking like cancun would be sups legit. right?!

_____: K I can't do this right now. Goodnight.

Singleroom@western: k whatevs betch. Like im like mad at you right now.

All black Errryyyythaannng

(Friday Night texting time.)

_____: Hey sis. Whats up? Are you doing anything fun tonight?

Singleroom@western: you fucking bet I am sister. Whats good in the hood with you biznatch?

_____: Uummm, probably getting up to something adventurous with *h and the girls. You?

Singleroom@western: LOooovves it. Say hey to that slut for me. And I dunno yet, like prroobbbs getting rowdy with my crew. also I had a drunken extravaganza last night...

(20 minutes later)

Singleroom@western: Beer number one: shot gunned. Haaayyyyy its gonna be a good night.

_____: Oh look who decided to respond. You never disappoint. So liiikkee, whatcha wearing?

Singleroom@western: uumm a black skirt with a black shirt thats like, flowy and shit. you?

_____: Black jeans and a black shirt thats like, see-thru....and shit. I guess.

Singleroom@western: llooovveesss it betch! Fuck yaaa all black Eeerrryytthhaanngg! So sassy like can't even handle it

_____: K whoa girl.

(an hour later)

Singleroom@western: I look haawwwwtt.

_____: Try to keep it all on tonight girl. You know?

Singleroom@western: fucking ya girl like you know I will..this guy i'm trying to wheel sucks soo much

_____: Why?

Singleroom@western: cuz hes like so unresponsive

_____: Thats unusual for you, no?

Singleroom@western: Oh my god like it is the most unusal.

_____: .....you just misspelt "unusual."

Singleroom@western: Ugh like RELAX. K whatevs im done.

hey betch, its yaahh biirrrrthhhddaayyy

(from the source)

Singleroom@western: GIIIIIRRRLLL! its yaaaaah birrtthddddaaaayyy! loves it! You best be getting buck wild from now till this time next week sister, milk that shit - its your birthday WEEK!

wish i was there to celebrate with you but we can have a belated celo (celebration) when we are both home for the wonderous christmas holidays.
love you so much
do some shots
make some bad decisions
fuckn YAH girl
xoxoxo

sextie-texties.

(morning after. Singleroom@western is on a bus ride/death trip back to Western, texting updates to _____)

Singleroom@western: girl. I am the most extreme amounts of hungover you could poss imag. London seems sups far...fml what up witchuuu?

_____: Just running around, doing errands and stuff. Did guelph satisfy your itch to get 'buck'?

Singleroom@western: umm fuckin i guess so girl. we like went downtown and stuff and like, I remember...not a lot but i'm assuming i had fun.

_____: That's my girl. I had a weird night-went to some bar where you could smoke inside...H wiped out and fell down some stairs...that was pretty funny.

Singleroom@western: ahahaha amaze. Any scandals?

_____: Uumm other than that not really-although I did get drunk enough that I was sending sexy text messages to people. And thats never a good sign.

Singleroom@wester: omg im looovvvinng the sextie-texties. I think its like, tots legit. I was just way to effing belig (read: belligerent) to be scandalous.

_____: I'm just glad that once you get drunk enough, you do seem possible of making semi-good decisions. Or at least remove yourself from any situation where you may need to make a decision.

Singleroom@western: shush.

school is hilaaarrrr right?!

(text message exchange between Singleroom@western and _____ )

Singleroom@western: hay gurlfraaaand

_____: Hey whats up?

Singleroom@western: I'm in guelph sooo effing high sitting in K's business class. Wtf riight? Whats up witchu gurrrlll?

_____: Nothing I'm just at work. Super quiet...wait, why are you in guelph? Do you EVER go to school?

Singleroom@western: umm cuz like i wanted to come for the weekend and get crazy. k so like whats new and exciting?

_____: Not much-I have a pretty packed weekend. Are you gonna get "buck" this weekend?

Singleroom@western: fuckin yah gurl like BUCK willlddddd girl.

_____: k good

Singleroom@western: Oohh and I have like soo many sups crazy stories to tell you. One is like, rriillllllyyyy awkward.

_____: I'm thrilled. Talk later?

Singleroom@western: fucking yah kk love you beettcchh!

Down the Rabbit Hole

(Late night text message exchanges.)

Singleroom@western: k so i'm reading alice in wonderland right now and like, its about drugs...right?

_____: are you high?

Singleroom@western: well like fucking YAH but i just wanted to check

_____: goodnight

Singleroom@western: no but like wait. I like couldnt go on reading the book without being high. The book made me do it.

_____: Well at least you're reading

Singleroom@western: Fucking Yah. Education first betch.

Strategic Thinking

(singleroom@western and _____ are chatting and catching up. Singleroom@western is trying to convince _____ that she CAN in fact take care of herself when inebriated.)

_____: I just don't understand how you can get SO wasted night after night. I mean its a pretty amazing ability to have I guess but....

Singleroom@western: ya I know right? I'm like, pretty unreal. OK so like for instance, one of the last nights at western I got like suuuppppss drunk and like even though I have no idea of what happened that night or like who I was with or like where I was, I was still like, Ok, you know?

_____:.....Right. So basically what you mean is you managed to make it home? At least?

Singleroom@western: Fuckin YA girl. Like I made it home, and when I woke up in the morning I was like feeling pretty shitty but I had lined up THREE garbage pails beside my bed AND I had gatorade.

_____: So skillful.

Singleroom@western: Ya. But like, I also left the door open so that I could make a mad dash to the bathroom if like, it was really bad, but whenever Im drunk I sleep naked.

_____: So....you woke up naked in your room, kinda still drunk, with your door open?

Singleroom@western: Fuckin Ya girl. Sooo messy. But like whatevs right? Like, I'm proud of me.

"Betch: A Modern Definition."

(Breakfast. Singleroom@western and _____ are drinking coffee with mom (betch) who has just discovered the blog.)

Betch: So _____ your Aunt has filled me all in on that little blog of yours. Hilarious, I may add. She read it out loud to me over margaritas last weekend...oh it was so cute: she even had little voices for the two of you.

_____: Yeah its pretty funny. I'm awesome, you know?

Singleroom@western: Uhhmmm like OKAY. First of all, its like, me who says like all the funny shit. BT-dubs.

Betch: Language! Please.

Singleroom@western: **mammoth eye-roll**

Betch: Anyways, I have a question: What do you call me again?

_____:....umm...

Singleroom@western: HA! Betch! Fuckin YA girl.

Betch: LANGUAGE. PLEASE.........But yes, that is what I am referring to. Do I even want to know what it means?

Singleroom@western: Ummm its like basically just short for like--

_____:--its a good thing. Don't worry.

Betch: Fine. Just checking. You just keep all that up then alright? Its Verrrry amusing. And you--(singleroom@western) watch your mouth.

Singleroom@western: Uggh....k like whatevs. Betch.

Betch is makin' brekky.

(phone convo. early afternoon.)

singleroom@western: (groggily) sup girl. mooorrrrrning

_____: its 2. But ya, hey girl. Whats up?

singleroom@western: oohhhmygoddd so hungover like I got sups buck last night and like I DON"T even know what happened.

_____: you remember nothing?

singleroom@western: well no like of course I remember like, some shit and whatevs. Like I tots hooked up with that guy and like probs did a few rounds of flip cup and stuff-oh wait hold on mom's calling me

**ya?....um like scrambled?.....no, peameal! K thannnkkkss betch**

singleroom@western: hey girl

_____: does mom know how hungover you are?

singleroom@western: hah ya

_____:....and she's making you breakfast?

singleroom@western: fucking YAH girl

____:.....AND you just called her 'betch'?

singleroom@western: ha ya...its like she doesn't even hear it anymore.

_____: you're unbelievable. I have to go back to work now. Have a good day

singleroom@western: K love you giiirrrrl kisssseeesssssss i'm gonna call you later and tell you EVERYTHING

_____: can't wait.

girl, like I thought you were DEAD.

(evening phone conversation; the first since about....14 hours ago.)

_____: hello?

singleroom@western: OMG. whatthefuck. where have you been like i've ACTUALLY been calling you nonstop.

_____: no you haven't, I have like 2 missed calls and one of them isn't even from you.

singleroom@western: k ya whatevs but like I've been trying to get a hold of you. and like, you wouldn't even text message me to tell me you were like, alive, and shit.

_____: uummm.......sorry? I guess.

singleroom@western: ya like, I thought you were DEAD.

_____: you're an idiot. anyways, whats up?

singleroom@western: DON'T call me an idiot! Like I was worried about you, okay?!

_____: yah I get it.

singleroom@western: ....K well whatever. I was like calling to talk about shit but I guess you like, don't want to talk to me.

_____: oh please, as if you're mad at me right now............i love you...

singleroom@western:............

_____:.........we can talk about boys if you want...

singleroom@western: OMG so ya there's this like holyshitsuperhottttt guy at my work.

St. Patty's day, bitches!

(Singleroom@western and _____ are at a keg party. _____ as arrived much later than Singleroom@western, and as a result, Singleroom@western is way drunker.)

Singleroom@western: Betch! Fuck yah you made itttt!!! KEGSTAND!

_____: K so slow down, I just got here....whatthefuck are you wearing?

Singleroom@western: Cute right?! Its St. Patty's Day Bittcchhhesss!

_____:......it's July 13th. No its not.

Singleroom@western: K whatevs its like a theme or whatever but me and B* are the only ones who dressed up.

_____: K but really, what are you wearing? What tube top is that?

(Singleroom@western is clad in a green and white "top" and short shorts that could double as underwear.)

Singleroom@western: Um, K so like me an B* went into town today to like go shopping for the party or whatevs, and like we totes couldn't find anything ANYWHERE and so we were like driving back out here and she was like "k wait I hafta go to Dollarama to get some shit" and I was all like "Ugh fine whatevs well just stop sups quick" and then we went in there and found this and were like FUCK YAH thats what we're wearing.

_____: Yeah ok awesome but What is it????

Singleroom@western: Like a picnic tablecloth.

_____:......a plastic one?

Singleroom@western: YAH fucking GENIUS right?! Sooo good if I spill...

_____: ......How is it....staying up?

Singleroom@western: Um like duct tape and shit. OMG lets play flip cup!

OMG A TURTLE!

(phone chat. Singleroom@western and _____ are swapping drunken stories from last night)

_____: ....so yah I dunno, all in all it was a pretty diverse night you know? Like, birthday party for a friend and then I thought i was going home and then somehow I ended up in the gay village at a salsa club... Anyways, whatever....how was your night?

singleroom@western: um. like SO buck _____. Like I got preeetttyyyy messed up at the wedding and whatever and then like, I went to my friends cottage for a bit and we were like blazing and drinking and stuff and I guess like, thats when I called you-

_____: you called me last night?

singleroom@western: Um, like yah girl, I did. HA I was so wasted tho. Ok like so YAH, I got drunk and-OMG A TURTLE!

_____: what?!

singleroom@western: Theres like, a baby turtle just like, hanging out on the dock.

_____:...incredible. Imagine, a water dwelling animal close to its own habitat..

singleroom@western: I Know RIGHT!? SO crazy....its like, SO cute b-t-dubs. (by the way).

_____: awesome.

singleroom@western: K so like, anyways, how are you giirrllll?

_____: I'm hanging up.

Is this like, too slutty?

(nana's 90th birthday party. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, reallllllllyyy old family friends; not the occasion for the LBD. Singleroom@western and _____ are getting ready.)

singleroom@western: K! I'm done. Do I look like, ok?

_____: (seeing singleroom@westerns miniscule black american apparel dress and bulging cleavage.) Umm...ya? Maybe for going to a club, but, its nana's birthday...shouldn't you cover up a bit?

singleroom@western: (flipping her hair) Ohmygod _____ I AM covered k? Plus, im wearing flats so that like totally like calms the whole outfit down a bit. Its a black dress like how much more basic can you get?

_____: well you could put your boobs away, for one. This day is about nana...not the girls.

singleroom@western: Whatever. Let's go. I'll fucking like, take a scarf or something. K? Happy?

(entering the party, seeing dad for the first time)

singleroom@western: Daddy, do you think I should like, wear a scarf, or like...no?

Dad: Scarf. And make sure it stays on.