X-mas list

( 11:48 pm. _____ is in bed, reading or doing something equally low-key/boring. )

Text message exchange

Singleroom@western: I really want like leather, kinda high waisted short shorts for xmas. that would be like tots cute right?

_____: Did you seriously just text me that?

Singleroom@western: ummm obvs yah I did. K so like what do you want for christmas girl? Tell me like, everything fun that you want

_____: I haven't really thought about it actually. I'm just going to sleep too..so maybe ill think about it and let you know in the morning?

Singleroom@westernL Oohhhmygod im on the victorias secret website right now and they have like the hottest stuff eevvvaaa. do you think mom and dad would buy me bathing suits for xmas?

_____: no.

Singleroom@western: K whatevs it think they would. Im going to choose like....3.

_____: Its december. Why on earth do you need bikinis right now?

Singleroom@western: well like I sorrrttaa want to go away for reading week and i was kinda thinking like cancun would be sups legit. right?!

_____: K I can't do this right now. Goodnight.

Singleroom@western: k whatevs betch. Like im like mad at you right now.

All black Errryyyythaannng

(Friday Night texting time.)

_____: Hey sis. Whats up? Are you doing anything fun tonight?

Singleroom@western: you fucking bet I am sister. Whats good in the hood with you biznatch?

_____: Uummm, probably getting up to something adventurous with *h and the girls. You?

Singleroom@western: LOooovves it. Say hey to that slut for me. And I dunno yet, like prroobbbs getting rowdy with my crew. also I had a drunken extravaganza last night...

(20 minutes later)

Singleroom@western: Beer number one: shot gunned. Haaayyyyy its gonna be a good night.

_____: Oh look who decided to respond. You never disappoint. So liiikkee, whatcha wearing?

Singleroom@western: uumm a black skirt with a black shirt thats like, flowy and shit. you?

_____: Black jeans and a black shirt thats like, see-thru....and shit. I guess.

Singleroom@western: llooovveesss it betch! Fuck yaaa all black Eeerrryytthhaanngg! So sassy like can't even handle it

_____: K whoa girl.

(an hour later)

Singleroom@western: I look haawwwwtt.

_____: Try to keep it all on tonight girl. You know?

Singleroom@western: fucking ya girl like you know I will..this guy i'm trying to wheel sucks soo much

_____: Why?

Singleroom@western: cuz hes like so unresponsive

_____: Thats unusual for you, no?

Singleroom@western: Oh my god like it is the most unusal.

_____: .....you just misspelt "unusual."

Singleroom@western: Ugh like RELAX. K whatevs im done.

hey betch, its yaahh biirrrrthhhddaayyy

(from the source)

Singleroom@western: GIIIIIRRRLLL! its yaaaaah birrtthddddaaaayyy! loves it! You best be getting buck wild from now till this time next week sister, milk that shit - its your birthday WEEK!

wish i was there to celebrate with you but we can have a belated celo (celebration) when we are both home for the wonderous christmas holidays.
love you so much
do some shots
make some bad decisions
fuckn YAH girl
xoxoxo

sextie-texties.

(morning after. Singleroom@western is on a bus ride/death trip back to Western, texting updates to _____)

Singleroom@western: girl. I am the most extreme amounts of hungover you could poss imag. London seems sups far...fml what up witchuuu?

_____: Just running around, doing errands and stuff. Did guelph satisfy your itch to get 'buck'?

Singleroom@western: umm fuckin i guess so girl. we like went downtown and stuff and like, I remember...not a lot but i'm assuming i had fun.

_____: That's my girl. I had a weird night-went to some bar where you could smoke inside...H wiped out and fell down some stairs...that was pretty funny.

Singleroom@western: ahahaha amaze. Any scandals?

_____: Uumm other than that not really-although I did get drunk enough that I was sending sexy text messages to people. And thats never a good sign.

Singleroom@wester: omg im looovvvinng the sextie-texties. I think its like, tots legit. I was just way to effing belig (read: belligerent) to be scandalous.

_____: I'm just glad that once you get drunk enough, you do seem possible of making semi-good decisions. Or at least remove yourself from any situation where you may need to make a decision.

Singleroom@western: shush.

school is hilaaarrrr right?!

(text message exchange between Singleroom@western and _____ )

Singleroom@western: hay gurlfraaaand

_____: Hey whats up?

Singleroom@western: I'm in guelph sooo effing high sitting in K's business class. Wtf riight? Whats up witchu gurrrlll?

_____: Nothing I'm just at work. Super quiet...wait, why are you in guelph? Do you EVER go to school?

Singleroom@western: umm cuz like i wanted to come for the weekend and get crazy. k so like whats new and exciting?

_____: Not much-I have a pretty packed weekend. Are you gonna get "buck" this weekend?

Singleroom@western: fuckin yah gurl like BUCK willlddddd girl.

_____: k good

Singleroom@western: Oohh and I have like soo many sups crazy stories to tell you. One is like, rriillllllyyyy awkward.

_____: I'm thrilled. Talk later?

Singleroom@western: fucking yah kk love you beettcchh!

Down the Rabbit Hole

(Late night text message exchanges.)

Singleroom@western: k so i'm reading alice in wonderland right now and like, its about drugs...right?

_____: are you high?

Singleroom@western: well like fucking YAH but i just wanted to check

_____: goodnight

Singleroom@western: no but like wait. I like couldnt go on reading the book without being high. The book made me do it.

_____: Well at least you're reading

Singleroom@western: Fucking Yah. Education first betch.

Strategic Thinking

(singleroom@western and _____ are chatting and catching up. Singleroom@western is trying to convince _____ that she CAN in fact take care of herself when inebriated.)

_____: I just don't understand how you can get SO wasted night after night. I mean its a pretty amazing ability to have I guess but....

Singleroom@western: ya I know right? I'm like, pretty unreal. OK so like for instance, one of the last nights at western I got like suuuppppss drunk and like even though I have no idea of what happened that night or like who I was with or like where I was, I was still like, Ok, you know?

_____:.....Right. So basically what you mean is you managed to make it home? At least?

Singleroom@western: Fuckin YA girl. Like I made it home, and when I woke up in the morning I was like feeling pretty shitty but I had lined up THREE garbage pails beside my bed AND I had gatorade.

_____: So skillful.

Singleroom@western: Ya. But like, I also left the door open so that I could make a mad dash to the bathroom if like, it was really bad, but whenever Im drunk I sleep naked.

_____: So....you woke up naked in your room, kinda still drunk, with your door open?

Singleroom@western: Fuckin Ya girl. Sooo messy. But like whatevs right? Like, I'm proud of me.

"Betch: A Modern Definition."

(Breakfast. Singleroom@western and _____ are drinking coffee with mom (betch) who has just discovered the blog.)

Betch: So _____ your Aunt has filled me all in on that little blog of yours. Hilarious, I may add. She read it out loud to me over margaritas last weekend...oh it was so cute: she even had little voices for the two of you.

_____: Yeah its pretty funny. I'm awesome, you know?

Singleroom@western: Uhhmmm like OKAY. First of all, its like, me who says like all the funny shit. BT-dubs.

Betch: Language! Please.

Singleroom@western: **mammoth eye-roll**

Betch: Anyways, I have a question: What do you call me again?

_____:....umm...

Singleroom@western: HA! Betch! Fuckin YA girl.

Betch: LANGUAGE. PLEASE.........But yes, that is what I am referring to. Do I even want to know what it means?

Singleroom@western: Ummm its like basically just short for like--

_____:--its a good thing. Don't worry.

Betch: Fine. Just checking. You just keep all that up then alright? Its Verrrry amusing. And you--(singleroom@western) watch your mouth.

Singleroom@western: Uggh....k like whatevs. Betch.

Betch is makin' brekky.

(phone convo. early afternoon.)

singleroom@western: (groggily) sup girl. mooorrrrrning

_____: its 2. But ya, hey girl. Whats up?

singleroom@western: oohhhmygoddd so hungover like I got sups buck last night and like I DON"T even know what happened.

_____: you remember nothing?

singleroom@western: well no like of course I remember like, some shit and whatevs. Like I tots hooked up with that guy and like probs did a few rounds of flip cup and stuff-oh wait hold on mom's calling me

**ya?....um like scrambled?.....no, peameal! K thannnkkkss betch**

singleroom@western: hey girl

_____: does mom know how hungover you are?

singleroom@western: hah ya

_____:....and she's making you breakfast?

singleroom@western: fucking YAH girl

____:.....AND you just called her 'betch'?

singleroom@western: ha ya...its like she doesn't even hear it anymore.

_____: you're unbelievable. I have to go back to work now. Have a good day

singleroom@western: K love you giiirrrrl kisssseeesssssss i'm gonna call you later and tell you EVERYTHING

_____: can't wait.

girl, like I thought you were DEAD.

(evening phone conversation; the first since about....14 hours ago.)

_____: hello?

singleroom@western: OMG. whatthefuck. where have you been like i've ACTUALLY been calling you nonstop.

_____: no you haven't, I have like 2 missed calls and one of them isn't even from you.

singleroom@western: k ya whatevs but like I've been trying to get a hold of you. and like, you wouldn't even text message me to tell me you were like, alive, and shit.

_____: uummm.......sorry? I guess.

singleroom@western: ya like, I thought you were DEAD.

_____: you're an idiot. anyways, whats up?

singleroom@western: DON'T call me an idiot! Like I was worried about you, okay?!

_____: yah I get it.

singleroom@western: ....K well whatever. I was like calling to talk about shit but I guess you like, don't want to talk to me.

_____: oh please, as if you're mad at me right now............i love you...

singleroom@western:............

_____:.........we can talk about boys if you want...

singleroom@western: OMG so ya there's this like holyshitsuperhottttt guy at my work.

St. Patty's day, bitches!

(Singleroom@western and _____ are at a keg party. _____ as arrived much later than Singleroom@western, and as a result, Singleroom@western is way drunker.)

Singleroom@western: Betch! Fuck yah you made itttt!!! KEGSTAND!

_____: K so slow down, I just got here....whatthefuck are you wearing?

Singleroom@western: Cute right?! Its St. Patty's Day Bittcchhhesss!

_____:......it's July 13th. No its not.

Singleroom@western: K whatevs its like a theme or whatever but me and B* are the only ones who dressed up.

_____: K but really, what are you wearing? What tube top is that?

(Singleroom@western is clad in a green and white "top" and short shorts that could double as underwear.)

Singleroom@western: Um, K so like me an B* went into town today to like go shopping for the party or whatevs, and like we totes couldn't find anything ANYWHERE and so we were like driving back out here and she was like "k wait I hafta go to Dollarama to get some shit" and I was all like "Ugh fine whatevs well just stop sups quick" and then we went in there and found this and were like FUCK YAH thats what we're wearing.

_____: Yeah ok awesome but What is it????

Singleroom@western: Like a picnic tablecloth.

_____:......a plastic one?

Singleroom@western: YAH fucking GENIUS right?! Sooo good if I spill...

_____: ......How is it....staying up?

Singleroom@western: Um like duct tape and shit. OMG lets play flip cup!

OMG A TURTLE!

(phone chat. Singleroom@western and _____ are swapping drunken stories from last night)

_____: ....so yah I dunno, all in all it was a pretty diverse night you know? Like, birthday party for a friend and then I thought i was going home and then somehow I ended up in the gay village at a salsa club... Anyways, whatever....how was your night?

singleroom@western: um. like SO buck _____. Like I got preeetttyyyy messed up at the wedding and whatever and then like, I went to my friends cottage for a bit and we were like blazing and drinking and stuff and I guess like, thats when I called you-

_____: you called me last night?

singleroom@western: Um, like yah girl, I did. HA I was so wasted tho. Ok like so YAH, I got drunk and-OMG A TURTLE!

_____: what?!

singleroom@western: Theres like, a baby turtle just like, hanging out on the dock.

_____:...incredible. Imagine, a water dwelling animal close to its own habitat..

singleroom@western: I Know RIGHT!? SO crazy....its like, SO cute b-t-dubs. (by the way).

_____: awesome.

singleroom@western: K so like, anyways, how are you giirrllll?

_____: I'm hanging up.

Is this like, too slutty?

(nana's 90th birthday party. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, reallllllllyyy old family friends; not the occasion for the LBD. Singleroom@western and _____ are getting ready.)

singleroom@western: K! I'm done. Do I look like, ok?

_____: (seeing singleroom@westerns miniscule black american apparel dress and bulging cleavage.) Umm...ya? Maybe for going to a club, but, its nana's birthday...shouldn't you cover up a bit?

singleroom@western: (flipping her hair) Ohmygod _____ I AM covered k? Plus, im wearing flats so that like totally like calms the whole outfit down a bit. Its a black dress like how much more basic can you get?

_____: well you could put your boobs away, for one. This day is about nana...not the girls.

singleroom@western: Whatever. Let's go. I'll fucking like, take a scarf or something. K? Happy?

(entering the party, seeing dad for the first time)

singleroom@western: Daddy, do you think I should like, wear a scarf, or like...no?

Dad: Scarf. And make sure it stays on.

Prom night? Not-so-good.

(Prom night. A night which Singleroom@western has been looking forward to for a long time. She's got her hair did. She's got a hottie. She's lookin' supa fly in her "oh-my-mom-made-it" dress.)

7pm. Doorbell rings.

FamilyFriend: Um, I'm really sorry about this, but I found her in the bathroom at prom. I don't think she should be there anymore.

_____: Whats wrong with her?

FamilyFriend: Well, she's been slurring her words ever since she got there and she can't remember who she came with...

_____: She's drunk?! Its 7:00!

FamilyFriend: Yeah, I know. They hadn't even served dinner yet when I found her.

Singleroom@western: I'mFiinnnnneeeee. Jussttlike, faaackk it. I'm Finnneeee.

_____:..................holy.

Singleroom@western: Wheres mom? Mommmm I'm sorrrrryyy....but like, seriously, you're like, my wonnnderwaalll. my wonderwaaalllll.

Ridiculously good-looking

_____: Ugh there are so many cute boys out tonight.

Singleroom@western: (texting on blackberry) Yah, totes.

_____: I think its probably a pre-requisite that men be good looking if they live in Montreal...

Singleroom@western: (still texting on blackberry) Yah.....thats like, every person I know at western. So hot.

_____: Are you even listening to anything I say?

Singleroom@western: (BBM'ing on blackberry)....Yah, totes.

Talkin 'bout ma tatty

Singleroom@western: K so I really wanna get a tattoo

_____: Well what do you want to get?

Singleroom@western: Like something like super cute and stuff...maybs a bob marley lyric or something.

_____: ....yeah? Really?

Singleroom@western: OOH! Ohmygod yah ok so theres this one lyric that says like "I'm a rainbow too" and I would totally get it like...right here.

_____: Hmm..that kinda reminds me of that quote from that movie...ugh whats it called? The guy in it says something just like that--

Singleroom@western: OH yah I know what you're talking about. Its like "I'm a nympho too" or something...

_____: Actually, no. I was thinking more along the lines of "if I'm a bird, you're a bird." From the notebook. I think. BUt nympho...wow, I can't believe you went there.

Singleroom@western: hahahaha I know RIGHT?!

_____: ....... .

Cham-pizzle fo the B-dizzle

(birthday. singleroom@western receives a copious amount of champagne as a present

singleroom@western: OH MY GOD. ohmygodohmygodohmygod. This is like so awesome I'm totally going to like pop these bottles at my party and be all like "hhaaayyyyy!"

______: Yeah, you could. Or, you could just drink/share them like a normal human being.

Singleroom@western: !!! Holy shit this is going to be such a good bottle of champagne.

_____: How can you tell?

Singleroom@western: Uumm, because it says 1872 on the bottle. Thats like tots old and shit.

_____: Thats the year the champagne company was established, not how old the actual champagne is.

Singleroom@western: K yah whatevs.....its still gonna be like really delicious.

names for parents

singleroom@western: ok so i have to be quiet cuz mom and dad think im sleeping, k?

_______: k whatever. anyways, whats up?

singleroom@western: not much i just wanted to chat..fuck hold on i think dad's at the door.

**dad...relax! ohmygod its like not even 11 yet. its _____ she realllly needs to talk to me. ya she did call me. dad like she needs me right now ok? ........ok goodnight...kyahwhateverloveyoutoo.**

singleroom@western: k i'm back

_______: awesome. everything ok?

singleroom@western: ya dad's just being all like pms-y and shit. so gay.

______: did you just refer to our father as being pre-menstrual?

singleroom@western: ya so

______: k nothing. what do you call mom?

singleroom@western: umm like betch and stuff. and a babe.

______: well yeah obviously. wait, you call mom a "betch" to her face?

singleroom@western: fuckin yah girl! she loves it.

Peak Season

____: hey how are you? What's new?

Singleroom@western: Um, nothing really, what about you?

_____: well I--

Singleroom@western: (interrupts) Ok well there is SOMETHING kinda sick that happened

____:....please, go ahead.

Singleroom@western: K well you know that show peak season? And like, you know Dre? Or like, whatever his name is? Anyways hes the hot one.

____: yeah, vaguely.

Singleroom@western: OK so like he was at the bar the other night and like, so was I, and we totally saw each other and I was just like pretending that I had seen him before. I mean, I was looking at him all like "do I know you??" and he was all like "damn girl" so like I went over to the bar and we started talking and I was SO wheeling him and--

____: hold on. Wheeling?! What the fuck is that?

Singleroom@western: (gross throat noise) Seriously? Its like, you know, like getting there. Like picking up...

____: huh.

Singleroom@western: So ok whatever so we were like talking and stuff and I was like "oh my god you seem SO familiar" like I wanted to pretend that I didnt know him and stuff, right? Cuz like celebrities are people too and I didnt want to make him feel awkward/

____: how kind of you

Singleroom@western: YA i know Right?! SO anyways long story short we like made out a bit and now we're friends on facebook.

Its not a leotard, reotard.

Singelroom@western: SO girl what did you end up wearing on Saturday?

______: Um, black tights, a leopard print onesie and a black blazer.

Singleroom@western: Oh really? Weird...why would you wear that?

______: What? What do you mean it looked awesome...

Singleroom@western: I dunno I've just never seen anyone wear tights AND a onesie and I think it would look like totally weird, y'know?

______: .......no.

Singleroom@western: But like if you\re wearing a onesie your legs are like, already covered, right? So like, why would you bother putting tights underneath? that just seems like kinda weird and lame to me.

______: I have absolutley no idea what you're talking about.

Singleroom@western: OMG. WAIT. A onesie?! holy shit I though you were talking about a leotard! I was like why the hell would you be wearing a leotard in the first place and then like, putting tights under it. Oh my god I'm so retarded I totally thought you went out in public wearing a full body leotard.

_____:.....nope, I didn't.